Friday, October 24, 2014

Patience

Recently, I have been contemplating getting a job and starting my career.  A little back story:  I never thought I would be a stay-at-home mom (if I ever became a mom at all).  I planned to go to graduate school to become a literature professor or I would go to law school and practice family law.  I chose to teach because I didn't think I could handle divorce case after divorce case or seeing innocent children hanging in the balance.  Frankly, I never thought I would get married, and I didn't get married until I was 28 years old.  I planned on teaching during the school year (after I finished graduate school) and traveling to all the faraway places I longed to go, starting with Italy, in the summers.  I was excited about my plans!  Inevitably, I met Jim in March of 2007 and we were married in November of that same year.  And then, SURPRISE, Jackson was due exactly 9 months from the day we were married.  I have often said that everything happened exactly like it was supposed to those two years (and every other year, for that matter), but it was a total and complete life change that I never planned- and I'm a planner.  There were times, in the beginning, when I questioned my choices, but then I looked at Jim and our beautiful baby boy and my heart was overfilled with joy and gratitude.  I couldn't love either of them more than I already did (though, I swear that today I do love them even more!).

Anyway, I couldn't fathom leaving my brand new baby boy with someone else while I worked, so I poured my heart out to Jim about my fears and concerns.  We were so poor (because every thing happened so fast, neither of us were prepared, we planned on being students still); I didn't think there was any way for me to stay home.  Some how, with our Heavenly Father's help and A LOT of sacrifice, I have been home with our boys each day of their lives.  As grateful as I am to be able to say those words, I still long to start my own career, and recently it's been getting the better of me.  We are still VERY budgeted and finances are tight, and I just think of how much easier it would be if I went back to work.  And possibly, how much happier I would be starting my career, something I have worked hard to eventually do, because, well, the grass is always greener... right?  Recently, I've seen friends buy beautiful dream homes while we still rent and sit in limbo about where we'll actually end up once we're done with school (which has taken so much longer than expected because we started a family so quickly).  I've seen friends (other mommy friends) flourishing in their careers and doing so well, and I admit the bug of jealousy has been eating away at me.  I am NOT a jealous person, not at all.  When I do feel jealous, I immediately think, what can I do to get what I desire?  What can I do to better myself?  So, I think that's why this "want" I have to start a career is really getting to me.  It would be so much easier on us financially if I started working.  I would feel even more fulfilled if I started my career (finally).  I COULD have it all!  But then I realize that Harrison deserves just as much of me as his brothers got.  And I can't imagine missing any of his firsts.  So, for now, I will put off my career a little longer and we will continue to budget our finances.  Our dream home will be there in a few years.  We'll find "our place" soon enough because our THREE boys are worth it, and because my time will come.  I will teach.  I will have it all.  Eventually.

This morning, as I was paying bills, I ran across this message.  It reminded me that my Heavenly Father knows my heart and hears my prayers even when I don't think to voice them.


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